I Got Into A Fight

I did. With one of those damned automatic flushing toilets. I HATE these things. So there I am having just drunk a liter of water and a 5 shot Mocha Granita. I had to pee like a pregnant woman. So I finally make it to the bathroom and the usual struggle to get the stupid toilet seat cover out of it’s little wall box ensues, does it really need to be this difficult? Are they made out of silk or something? They slide all over the stupid seat like it’s been greased. First you have to pop the center piece out so you don’t end up peeing on yourself then you have to get the damn thing to stay relatively in place. So I get far enough along in the process that I’ve gotten it out of the little box thing and I’m trying to get the stupid middle section detatched, it of course rips. Whatever, I have to pee. Next is the struggle to keep the now 2 piece toilet seat cover on the seat, eventually I get there and I’m feeling pretty pleased with myself. I can now pee! Wrong. The autoflush goes off and drags both halves of the seat cover with it. By now I’m doing the serious pee pants dance. I go through that process 2 more times, losing the seat cover in an unasked for flush both times. I’m starting to think it’s a good thing I’m in Target because if I don’t pee soon, I’m gonna need new clothes. At this point I’m ready to do the hover move and too damn bad for the person who has to go after me if there’s anything that misses! Next I decide I need to somehow block the sensor so that it will stop flushing on it’s own. I do Tai Chi but there is no way I am flexible enough to keep my arm behind me, cover the sensor while peeing, not mention how the hell I would be able to put the seat cover on, unzip and sit before I can even consider that option. I remember that I have a band aid in my purse. I use the band aid to cover the sensor and in a moment of near holy joy I am finally able to pee unimpeded! So business done, I remove the band aid and … nothing. Wave my hand around in front of the sensor, no go. Not happening. I find few things as disgusting as using a public toilet that some one has failed to flush. I CANNOT leave it unflushed. I try the fake out move. Walk away then back, nada. Fake sitting down and standing up, nope. First the damn thing won’t stop and now I can’t get it to flush for the life of me! I go through the whole process of pretending I’m actually going to use it again, thinking maybe it just wants more toilet seat covers to eat. Wrong again. At this point I’m thinking “FUCK THIS! There are 5 other stalls, I don’t give a damn, I’m leaving.” But really I’m still doing fake lunges and walk offs trying to get this bastard to flush. In the end I discovered the teeny tiny push button, cleverly painted black against the black sensor that allows you to manually flush the stupid thing. FINALLY! I can’t imagine what the other people using the bathroom during my little adventure must have thought of my manic curse filled rumblings while trying to figure out how to flush a damn toilet. I hate those things. I won’t even get into the automatic water & paper towel dispensers. It’s a good feeling being an accomplished adult. That college education really paid off!

~ by octobreana on 16 May, 2008.