Dalmatians!

When I became I mother I decided to delete swearing from my vocabulary in an effort to raise a well spoken daughter. I tend to swear like a sailor, well … I used to. I’ve discovered through the years that my swearing has now morphed into something straight out of the 1950’s. “you’re fucking kidding me!” has morphed into “well I’ll be switched!” Son of a bitch has become Son of a buck.  Shit! has given way to Sweet Mother of Nancy!

Consequently I now have a 6 year old who says things like Jiminy Christmas! Holy Moly! and Ding Dangit! Which actually is somewhat adorable. The best part though, is when she hasn’t quite heard what I’ve said or when it’s an infrequent utterance so she’s not quite sure of it. This I am discovering was worth eliminating the swearing.

The other day the stupid curtain rod falls down and as I’m struggling with it, my daughter unbeknownst to me has come into the room. Thinking I’m alone I mutter a “damnation!” which isn’t all that bad anyway. Few days beyond that my daughter is looking for a book and can’t find it. I overhear her saying “dalmatians! where is that book?!”

I utter, probably too often, “good grief in the morning!”, I don’t even really know what the hell that means. Something my Mom used to say. My daughter hears this as “God grief in the morning!” Which leaves me biting my lip to hold back the laughter. 

Another word that has worked it’s way into my vocabulary is “bejeezus” as in ‘that scared the the bejeezus out of me!” this is my all time favourite when coming from my daughter. She has misheard the phrase though she doesn’t realise it and it’s too amusing to me to correct her. It’s only slang anyway. If someone happens to do something startling my daughter will say “come on! be more careful (or quiet etc)  you just scared the Jesus out of the cat!” I’m not conventionally religious, which is possibly why I find that funny rather than alarming. I swear though every time I hear my child proclaim that something has “scared the Jesus out of me!” I laugh (not in front of her) nearly to the point of tears. The idea of someone getting the Jesus scared out of them is too funny. I’m not sure I’ll be able to hold in the laughter if I hear “Dalmatians! That scared the Jesus out of me!”

What Fuckery Is This ?!?

Easily the most absurd thing I’ve heard in ages. COME ON! If the police and the school are going to be this ridiculous I hope the persons involved behave the same and sue the hell out of them for wrongful arrest.

” COLUMBIA, S.C. — When Rock Hill school officials tell commencement crowds to hold their applause until the end, they mean it — police arrested seven people after they were accused of loud cheering during the ceremonies.

Six people at Fort Mill High School’s graduation were charged Saturday and a seventh at the graduation for York Comprehensive High School was charged Friday with disorderly conduct, authorities said. Police said the seven yelled after students’ names were called.

“I just thought they were going to escort me out,” Jonathan Orr told The Herald of Rock Hill, about 70 miles north of Columbia. “I had no idea they were going to put handcuffs on me and take me to jail.”

Orr, 21, spent two hours in jail after he was arrested when he yelled for his cousin at York’s commencement at the Winthrop University Coliseum.

Rock Hill police began patrolling commencements several years ago at the request of school districts that complained of increasing disruption.Those attending commencements are told they can be prosecuted for bad behavior and letters are sent home with students, said Rock Hill police spokesman Lt. Jerry Waldrop.

All the cases, except for one that includes a resisting arrest charge, will be handled in city court and are punishable by a maximum of 30 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.

Orr said he thinks people should be allowed to cheer.

“For some people, it might be the only member of their family to graduate high school, and it was like a funeral in there,” Orr said.

William Massey, 19, was arrested but said he plans to fight the charge. He said he simply “clapped and gave a little whoop” when his fiancee’s name was called.

Massey said there were warnings before the ceremony but none that said he could be arrested.

He said not everyone who cheered was arrested.

“There’s a lot more people that did it than six or seven,” said Massey, who graduated from Fort Mill last year.

Fort Mill Principal Dee Christopher says school officials don’t ask that offenders be arrested but that he plans to keep a police presence at future graduation ceremonies.”

Gratuitous arrest should equal gratuitous lawsuit.

Dear Defend-America.net

I had the dubious pleasure of perusing your poorly pieced together website http://www.defend-america.net this morning. I have numerous issues with it aside from general disgust at your obvious bigotry and hatred. At the risk of actually enabling you to upgrade your presentation I feel the need to point out your very apparent lack of intelligence.

Rule Number One- Be accurate. If you are going to attempt to disparage someone make damn sure you have your have facts correct. Otherwise you just look stupid, which you do. On your anti Obama page the first link in your tenuous trail of “proof” that Mr.Obama is anti American you link to a video that shows “Obama not putting hand over heart during Pledge of Allegiance.” Hmmm … the problem I have here is that you have in fact linked to a video of Obama not putting his hand over his heart during the national anthem. See, the difference here is that the pledge is a recitation whereas the anthem is a song. According to modern etiquette hand over heart is NOT expected during the anthem. I’d also like to point out that in the video of all people on stage Mr.Obama is the ONLY person mouthing the lyrics to the song. In this instance you have only served to make yourself look foolish. What kind of American are YOU that you cannot tell the difference between the Pledge of Allegiance and the national anthem???

Let’s address your opening, and poorly photo-shopped I might add, image. The alterations you’ve made to the road signs clearly show that you are not generally opposed to immigrants as a whole but pinpoint for the viewer that you are a racist. You hate Hispanic people. I might add here, that including the image of the Statue of Liberty was a poor choice on your part. Have you read the inscription on the statue?

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”

See this is America’s invitation to EVERYONE to come to our country. Might not be the image you want to use to convince everyone to be separatist and racist.

Let’s move on to your poorly structured argument on why illegal immigrants shouldn’t be allowed to stay in America. You argue that “Quite often their money is sent to their families to support them.” Well … how dare they! Honestly how dare anyone 1. spend their money how they choose to and 2. do something as admirable as sacrifice almost EVERYTHING they slave for to support their family. As opposed to the massive amount of native born Americans who squander their money on drugs and lottery tickets not to mention beer and Mc Donald’s and neglect their children and aging parents. Much better to be a self centered fool native born than to be foreign born and support your family.

As for your argument that illegal immigrants abuse the welfare system. Take a look at your neighbors, those white, native born Americans. You want to see some welfare abuse look no farther than next door. Do you know the definition of fraud? A fraud is a deception made for personal gain. Last time I opened my eyes and looked around I didn’t notice any immigrants living high on the hog off food stamps. Last time I checked these were the people who work insane hours in terrible conditions doing the jobs the native born Americans didn’t want to do. And they do these jobs for terrible pay with no benefits.

I also have a big problem with your point number 4.  “ $12 billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary education for children here illegally and they cannot speak a word of English!” So pretty much your problem here is that these people do not speak English? Have you perchance been to a park or fast food restaurant lately? How many children do you know, or adults for that matter, who are again native born Americans, that can speak proper English? You certainly cannot. Your little website is littered with poor grammar and spelling. I shudder to think how you sound when speaking.

Your point 10 – “In particular, their children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the US.”  Now you are villifying the unborn and young? You are fully prepared to convict them of crimes they have yet to commit ??? How on earth can you claim this as a fact? You are now an expert at remote viewing? You can see the future? I’d be dead interested to know how you can possibily substantiate this fact. You cannot.

I wonder have you heard of spellcheck? The dictionary? Proof reading? Here’s the thing, you want people to hitch their stars to you you need to not look like the ignorant fool that you are. Spelling is one of the first things people are going to notice about you when you take to print to spout your foolishenss. Here are a few examples from your website.

 ” … you can vacation in Sunny Denver Colorado .” Sunny should not be capitalised. Unless Denver has recently changed it’s name and I’m unaware of it.

“This will help give us an idea of how many people will be comming.” Hint – coming has one M not two.

“… here in the states.” As opposed to your capitalising of Sunny before this is a case where you want to use an upper case letter. States is an abbreviated version of United States and should have an upper case S.

“… the cost we indure …” I am guessing you mean endure. Indure is not a even a word.

Let’s return for a moment to your baseless accusations against Obama. You link again to another video that showcases Mr. Obama explaining his reasons for declining to wear an American flag pin. Perhaps before villifying him you should read up on American Flag Etiquette. Which clearly states -

“The Flag Code addresses the impropriety of using the flag as an article of personal adornment, a design on items of temporary use, and item of clothing.  The evident purpose of these suggested restraints is to limit the commercial or common usage of the flag and, thus, maintain its dignity.”

So in reality Mr. Obama is in fact adhering to flag etiquette by NOT wearing it as an adornment or advertisment of his partriotism. In fact one could argue that he is being MORE patriotic than the other candidates by NOT wearing the flag as an adornment as he is abiding by the guidelines for flag usage. Quite the opposite of your weak, poorly thought out attack.

I Got Into A Fight

I did. With one of those damned automatic flushing toilets. I HATE these things. So there I am having just drunk a liter of water and a 5 shot Mocha Granita. I had to pee like a pregnant woman. So I finally make it to the bathroom and the usual struggle to get the stupid toilet seat cover out of it’s little wall box ensues, does it really need to be this difficult? Are they made out of silk or something? They slide all over the stupid seat like it’s been greased. First you have to pop the center piece out so you don’t end up peeing on yourself then you have to get the damn thing to stay relatively in place. So I get far enough along in the process that I’ve gotten it out of the little box thing and I’m trying to get the stupid middle section detatched, it of course rips. Whatever, I have to pee. Next is the struggle to keep the now 2 piece toilet seat cover on the seat, eventually I get there and I’m feeling pretty pleased with myself. I can now pee! Wrong. The autoflush goes off and drags both halves of the seat cover with it. By now I’m doing the serious pee pants dance. I go through that process 2 more times, losing the seat cover in an unasked for flush both times. I’m starting to think it’s a good thing I’m in Target because if I don’t pee soon, I’m gonna need new clothes. At this point I’m ready to do the hover move and too damn bad for the person who has to go after me if there’s anything that misses! Next I decide I need to somehow block the sensor so that it will stop flushing on it’s own. I do Tai Chi but there is no way I am flexible enough to keep my arm behind me, cover the sensor while peeing, not mention how the hell I would be able to put the seat cover on, unzip and sit before I can even consider that option. I remember that I have a band aid in my purse. I use the band aid to cover the sensor and in a moment of near holy joy I am finally able to pee unimpeded! So business done, I remove the band aid and … nothing. Wave my hand around in front of the sensor, no go. Not happening. I find few things as disgusting as using a public toilet that some one has failed to flush. I CANNOT leave it unflushed. I try the fake out move. Walk away then back, nada. Fake sitting down and standing up, nope. First the damn thing won’t stop and now I can’t get it to flush for the life of me! I go through the whole process of pretending I’m actually going to use it again, thinking maybe it just wants more toilet seat covers to eat. Wrong again. At this point I’m thinking “FUCK THIS! There are 5 other stalls, I don’t give a damn, I’m leaving.” But really I’m still doing fake lunges and walk offs trying to get this bastard to flush. In the end I discovered the teeny tiny push button, cleverly painted black against the black sensor that allows you to manually flush the stupid thing. FINALLY! I can’t imagine what the other people using the bathroom during my little adventure must have thought of my manic curse filled rumblings while trying to figure out how to flush a damn toilet. I hate those things. I won’t even get into the automatic water & paper towel dispensers. It’s a good feeling being an accomplished adult. That college education really paid off!

Swiper No Swiping!

If you’ve had the er … pleasure of wathcing Dora The Explorer then you know my man Swiper the fox.

Swiper is the “friendly” nemesis of Dora and her pals. He generally appears midshow and swipes something – a basket of apples, Boots the monkey’s firetruck what have you. His routine is – sneak up, swipe the object, chuck it into the bushes and announce ‘you’ll never find it now!‘ Seemingly harmless, he’s not taking things, just hiding them, not breaking them, just putting a delay in the adventure. Harmless.

Or Is It???

See, I think Swiper is actually MUCH more evil than they would have us believe. If he was taking say the firetruck because he couldn’t afford one of his own, I’d get that. Jacking the cupcakes because he’s overwhelmed with a sugar craving, I understand the feeling. Stealing Isa the Iguana’s bicycle to sell for scrap metal to support his crack habit? Gotcha. But this whole stealing and hiding things solely to get on people’s nerves? Just to stand and watch the look of bewilderment and near horror at times on Dora & co’s faces as he throws their belongings into the shrubbery? It’s almost sociopathic in nature. It’s rather insidious.

I still dig Swiper though. I guess it’s true. Women really do like the bad boys.

Achy Breaky Wha … ?

Here it is. The Miley Cyrus photo.

 

I get why people are upset, though personally I’m not all that bothered by it. I think the majority of American Apparel ads are much more erm … bothersome? inappropriate? than this one photo is.

I think what is bothering everyone about this photo (though i’m not sure the bothered ones realise it) isn’t so much the content as the tone of it. It’s the expression on Miley’s face, I believe, that is causing people such discomfort. Honestly, we’re seeing much less of her here than if she were wearing a bathing suit. And a picture of her playing volleyball on the beach wouldn’t have garnered THIS much attention. People are reading things into her expression here – I’ve read/heard everything from ’she looks like she’s coming off a week long drug binge’ to the unsurprising ‘post coital look’. Granted her look is a bit knowing but it’s individual perception of her expression that is causing the problem here.

Look at this, the pulled back view of basically the same picture with Miley pulling a face.

Doesn’t bother you, does it? Looks like a young girl wearing a strapless dress, (albeit a tent like and unattractive one) with some dress pants, goofing around. It’s a cute, candid photo. Which drives home my point that it’s all about perspective. People are seeing what they want to see.

I  don’t think Miley or her family or her handlers or Disney or anyone else should apologise for this photo. There is nothing wrong with this photo. There’s something wrong with the people who see something sexy or perverted about it. I think the media want her to stumble and fall. They want her to be the next Britney or Lindsey or Paris etc etc and because of that they’re pushing this into being something pervy or nasty.

If the media and the public and whomever else want to attack the idea of America sexualising our youth (and I agree with that opinion) let’s go after the Bratz dolls. PLEASE. Those things are horrible. They’re hooker barbies for children. That’s MUCH worse than one iffy picture of Miley Cyrus.

Mommy version 2.0

Mommy ver. 2.0

This is obscene. This is what we want to teach our children? Not only our daughters but sons as well. I find this repulsive in the extreme. Not necessarily the fact that Mommy feels the need to get “prettier” but that it’s now acceptable to have an explanatory book to share with young children the benefits of plastic surgery and that the explanation is that mommy isn’t pretty enough and the way to fix that is to get cut to bits and pieces! Really? What next? A book on the benefits of anorexia and bulimia? A sample from the book – “You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn’t fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.” This book is aimed at the 4-8 age group, now being the parent of a nearly 6 year old and having several nieces and nephews aged in between there I can safely say that children in this age group have at least a basic idea of where babies come from, namely Mommies tummys. So in essence what the book is saying here is – ‘it’s YOUR fault my tummy is stretched out and marked up and now I have to go fix it because you made me ugly.’ Nice. Not only is Mommy completely superficial as far as worth goes but it’s also the child’s fault that Mommy is now not good enough. If “Mommy” wants to feel better she’d do well to join a Mommy & Me play group. She’d get healthier, teach her child the lesson that healthy is beautiful and get to spend some quality time with her child. The author explains, in part ” “With the tummy tucks, [the mothers] can’t lift anything. They’re in bed. The kids have questions.” I have some first hand knowledge of this situation as I had a hysterectomy last  year and spent a good deal of time pre and post op explaining to my daughter what was happening and why. Even at 5 she was able to comprehend the situation enough to volunteer to help her Dad out around the house so that I could heal. She saw the 18 staples in my belly and the sutures etc etc etc. Instead of being horrified that my belly was now scarred and ugly she understood that I had surgery to be healthier and have a better life and was pleased that I had done so. She also witnessed me being in a great deal of pain. I cannot imagine having to explain the same situation with the reason being that I wasn’t “pretty enough”. She would’ve told me I was stupid … and she would have been right. I could buy into this book if it had been presented more in the light of  ‘Mommy is doing something stupid. It’s silly and doesn’t really make sense but this is something I want to do.’ Rather than it being presented as acceptable to endanger your life to be pretty. I smoke and I am perfectly up front with my daughter about how stupid it is that I do so. I’m honest about it being unhealthy and just plain stupid for me to smoke. I don’t want her having any illusions about it being glamorous or cool. I’m doing something stupid but I’m also willing to own up to my stupidity with my child. In the book ‘Mommy’ doesn’t just get her tummy tuck she also gets a nose job and a boob job, the latter of which is not addressed. As for the nose job Mom explains it as not just ”different, my dear—prettier!” What is we’re saying to our children here? That perhaps their bodies aren’t good enough either? If you don’t have a button nose, it’s not cute enough for Mommy. Daddy would spend more time playing ball with you Tommy if your ears didn’t stick out so much. As parents we are role models for our children, whether we work at it or not, we are. Kids, particularly young ones, model themselves after us. My daughter loves to read and learned to do so by watching my love of books. She is computer literate and typing at age 5 because Daddy does and she wanted to “work on computers like Dad!” I didn’t sit her down and force books on her, I didn’t shove a keyboard into her hands at age 2 and demand she learn it. She watched and decided that these were things worth emulating by watching our behaviours. So if I go get my boobs inflated, that must be a good thing. It must mean that bigger boobs are better. If my nose isn’t good enough, hers probably isn’t either. If I don’t like my less than perfect tummy she’d better not have one, obviously they aren’t acceptable. And possibly it’s her fault my tummy got that way, I mean she was the one in there stretching it out. Children are smart, smarter than most people give them credit for. They learn much more by what we do than what we say. I could’ve repeated every day for the past 5 years how fantastic reading is but had I never picked up a book to reinforce that, I wouldn’t have a 5 year old who can read books and loves doing it. My objection to this book isn’t neccesarily that it’s about comestic surgery. It’s about the way it’s presented as being so casual, like getting a perm or going to a movie. If there has to be a book about this is should be a little more honest and a little more factual. In fact I’ve had plastic surgery, for cosmetic reasons even. Though I wasn’t altering my nose or my boobs. I had plastic surgery to make less noticeable the Frankenstein scar on my forhead. Obviously that was not a necessary thing it was done purely out of vanity though it was secondary to repairing actual damage. I wouldn’t go do it a second time though it’s been suggested that the scar could be almost completely un-noticeable if I had a second surgery. No thanks. I worry about the society that my child is growing up in. I worry that we’ve come to place such a high value on how we look. But I am hopeful too. I have young daughter who is wise enough to remind when I complain from time to time about looking older that “it doesn’t matter how you look Mommy, it just matters if you are a nice person.” She’s right.